During a recent pedicure, the woman doing my nails asked about my children. When I described Brantley, she expressed her sorrow as if the mere mention of my son’s profound autism required an apology.
I simply said there was no reason to be sorry. My life may be challenging, but Brantley is happy.
She took me off guard when she asked if you could tell Brantley had developmental disabilities by looking at him, as if that would somehow define who he was.
I pondered how to answer such a question.
When I look at Brantley, I see his striking, deep-set blue eyes and chiseled jawline, which make him undeniably handsome. I don’t focus on macrocephaly, coarse hair, wide-spaced teeth, or other characteristics related to genetic conditions that others might notice. Instead, I see my child, uniquely handsome in his own right.
I don’t view his repetitive stimming and toe walking as a sign of how sad it is that he has autism. I see these behaviors and think about how happy he is.
I considered how others might perceive my sweet boy and explained that while he has physical characteristics often associated with genetic conditions, these are still being investigated. I noted that his behaviors usually reveal his autism diagnosis before his physical traits are apparent.
She then compared our experience to that of another family she knows, expressing gratitude that Brantley’s disabilities weren’t visible, unlike the other family’s child, who had Down Syndrome—a condition that is immediately apparent.
Her sentiment bothered me for several reasons.
The reality of invisible disabilities is often underestimated. While I’m not sure if Brantley’s conditions fit precisely into that category, her comments suggested that Brantley’s struggles were somehow less significant because they aren’t visible on his face. Her remarks also implied that having a visible disability is inherently tragic.
In reality, visible physical characteristics are just like a book cover—they don’t tell the full story. They may provide some information but can’t capture the entire depth of a person’s experiences, strengths, and challenges.
The conversation left me uneasy, highlighting how often we judge based on appearances alone. It’s all too common to see someone in an accessible parking spot being scrutinized for their manner of walking or to witness the pitying glances that come with visible disabilities. I envision a world where every person’s journey is approached with respect rather than pity, and where challenges are met with genuine empathy and assuming competence instead of apologies. #autismfamily #autismlife #autismdisability #specialneedsparents #specialneedsfamily
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